The New Start - Singapore - Part 2

Nice, very nice experiences here in Singapore, some of my friends greets me, then she's continue asking "And...How About You?". At first...I'm just stand and look down, nothing came up from my mouth, again I tried to throw a simple jokes just to diverting the conversations, but my mouth felt so stiff. I replied "Still alive and trying to kick'n" .

Maybe I'll try to evaluate it here...

What is the most precious...

Something that I learned that actually what is the most precious in this world. Family Is The Most Important Thing In Life . When I'm feeling so down (especially after my broke up), my mother is the one that giving me impression that I wasn't that bad, I'm only a kid from a small villages with no advantages, but see now I've ended up in Singapore, able to earn more than my friends, I can (at least) fed myself and enjoying a good living and lifestyle by my own. Now I'm the pride for my family. All of this achievement was came from my parent rants and advices that sometimes we neglect. I believe even your very best friend can't support you better than your parent, even your GOD is nothing compare to your parent. Why? because they can give you the last resort, not only when you success but even how fcked up you've become, they provide you a concrete solutions rather only hope, they will prefer to save it for you before they save it for themselves. So for me Family Come 1st. I'll defend it till my last breath.

Sometimes, for a cold blooded guys like me, its not easy to do chit chat with my mother. But my sisters always reminding me to call her. Hope I can always break the ice inside my heart for my mother.

2nd most important is Your Best Friends. I've always trying to find friends as many as I can before I'm getting old, and secluded in this world. Because only with friends you can't feel so lonely. You can share stories with each other, or even compete each other. It give you a purpose into your life, it give you sense of how importance you in this world. Only with best friends you can share what you already archive in this world with sincere and no obligation, and you also can brag it in front of them and also learning what your friends is already archive.

How's your plan going forward?

I was like a car just got fixed, and starting to moving again. But in front of me there's so many intersections that I need to choose, all of them are heading to somewhere that you can't see the end of it. Which way should I choose?....which one is the best way for me to continue my life?. I realize that now I'm in the middle of nowhere, no-one can guide you better than yourself so this is a decision that you need to take it and you must ready if it is turn out that you're choosing the hard way not the high way, this road is something that you must choose, you can't just stand and staring at the road, looking at the other cars passing your way. Not only that, you also losing something that you can claim...that is Time. The best way to find out that are you moving in the high way or the wrong way is by stepping at your gas and start to choose a way, later you will find out whether you're in the right direction or not. I must understand that choosing also need calculation and consideration. You must prepare something for the road and the most important thing to run a car. Yes...you need a Fuel. Only with fuel your car engine can start the journey. What I understand right now is I can prepare only the fuel while choosing my way, only with enough fuel you can have at least peace of mind that if something happen, you can always turn back to your checkpoint.
Now I'm moving...even I realize I'm moving very slow, at least I'm keep moving. Still there's many intersections that I need to choose, one after another and it will keep coming and coming again. So I wrote this also for keeping my trails so later I can return back to my last checkpoint and re-evaluate my way. In my mind, I always want to speed things up because I realize I'm moving to slow. But some people saying actually I'm moving to fast, and ask me to slowing down and enjoy the ride. This idea makes me thinking to enjoy the process, because only with joy you can appreciate what you already archive in this life. Stop worrying the future to far ahead, planning for future is good, but better if can divide it into short, med, and long term. And start to determine what you have, what you don't have and also action that need to be taken, either the immediate actions also the planned actions. Because the only way to run is by making the first step

Who will be the next...

Of course, after you fell off, you tend to set a new perimeter to avoid getting fall again. Also for me, I try to makes some perimeter, also some guidance for myself so I won't fall again in the same well. Although sometimes its kinda blur to draw the line but at least I understand that drawing the line in your mind keeps me conscious and a must or I no longer smarter than a donkey . Firstly I need to understand what actually I need in this life, as this might be for my lifetime companion. But as you can see I even don't know where I'm heading too that's kinda like chicken and egg thing. Sometimes I"m imagining, somewhere out there, she will show up in front of me, with a smile, she will pointing her finger to some direction, and when I ask why...she can explain it to me. This situation always makes me tend to wait to have that sign come up. Its kinda mixed up, because usually girls that doing this kind of way. Some of my friends also keep telling me that this could be a bit impossible. Actually I don't need a smart and rational explanation why she go to that direction, but at least she know what she's looking for, since I still faded by choices. It doesn't matter where we're heading to, because I believe that I can survive anywhere and fit to any circumstances, I can adapt fast, also I have the gasoline to spin the gear. I believe I can be the leader and the driver of that direction.

Some people says it's a privileges to have so many good alternatives of choices in life. I admit that this is a privileges, but it's as worse as having none. Because you can only choose one.

Some of them comes, offering the warmth of relationship. Some others give up and move on onto their lives. I truly appreciate it, thanks for being nice and understanding for me. But sorry I cannot give what you seek.
I still believe that someday I'll meet someone and at that time I'll have confidence in her, so what I'm able to do right now just moving forward, never close any opportunities that comes even when you think, that opportunities percentage way to low from your expectations .

Feeling lonely...

I have at least more than enough friend to hang out with every weekend, I have some other new friends that calling me every weekend for some new activities, but why I'm still feeling lonely? why I always feel uncomfortable even my mind enjoying the friendship?. Maybe my views is a bit different from others, some people even think I'm crazy, rude, stupid and ignorance because of my views. But, that's was my fact, my understanding, my learning, my believe after I through that circumstances. I try to compose it from different kinds of views, and summarize it as my views. I always trying to being fair, if you can prove me wrong than I'll admit it and tried to change, but sorry if you only give empty hope with no baseline. Some peoples can just accept me as I'm, even thou we have different perspective and view, and able to just aside that and looking for other that we can share in the same boat. I truly appreciate it. I just hoping more friends that able to accept differences, understand that world always has more than 1 views.

There are times that I feel so down, so I looking for what actually being lonely is and how to overcome it. I looked in any teaching that I can find but none of them able to satisfied my mind, until I stumbled upon Buddhism teaching by Ajahn Brahm regarding loneliness (you can find it here). What I can extract  from his teaching was loneliness is just a state of mind, and the nature of that was always have 2 different side of it (positive and negative). So only by understanding that loneliness is just state of mind, and if you able to see the other side of loneliness, than you can overcome it. First we need understand that when we're being alone, we're attached with loneliness suffering, and when we're not being alone, we're attached in relationship suffering. So no difference whether you're alone or not, but when you able to see that in the loneliness itself  you can find a positive side that you can exploit it. That's makes you able make peace(overcome) with loneliness it self. I realize that and starting to find a positive way to exploit it, and I also realize our lives is like a car that has 3 or 4 wheels, I called each wheels as love life, carrier, financial, socials, etc. And when we drives our own car, you also realize that maybe now your love life is on the down state, but the others wheel might be at the top state. So I make use of that and just forget the down state wheel for a while and wait until its going back up. This methods at lease can ease my suffering.

I know being positive all the time is not easy, sometimes I also looking at the down state wheel and wishing that wheel going back up as soon as possible. But reality is always not that nice, that's why I always say "Reality Bites" and whining will not solving the problem. So just face it and understand the whole cycle again, then accept it as a reality that you can control it. But...can't control doesn't there's no workaround for it .

There are some other videos about Ajahn Brahm teaching that really make sense (for me), and understandable, and not just giving you bullshit hopes. Like the question of "What is the meaning of life", I can write for another 2 pages regarding that but maybe better if you can check it for yourself . Or if you have other views that you can share with me...please share with me.

Anything else ?
Actually, there's a lot of experience that I want to share. But at least this is my condition right now. I'm not cursing or asking why to the Deity. It's simply a state/condition that I need to overcome with and I believe there are others that feel the same with me. This blog can be as beacon for me (or else), that tells me "hey...I've through this, and this is my mark/sign that I've been through this"

Why you wrote this ?
Simple reason, I wrote for self. I have not intention to be read by others . I just hoping that this hosting still alive for the next 20 years and later my son can read this.